I Am Not Content.

     We're just gonna cut all the fluffy and get down to the real stuff. I don't know if this is a normal thing most 20-somethings go through in their college years, but I am beginning to become very aware of my weaknesses. When I say very aware, I totally mean it. I can pinpoint every time throughout the day where I behave in a way that is less than pleasant, or think a thought that is definitely not holy, or whine like a pouty child. Even worse, I remember each of these moments every single night before I fall asleep. Those have become my routine late night thoughts... "How many times have I screwed up today?"

     Quite frankly, lately it feels like... A LOT! Here's the catch. In addition to the laundry list of weaknesses I have, a predominant one sits at the top in giant letters - "FEAR OF FAILURE." I am terrified of failing, in absolutely any shape or form. So of course, when I think about all the times I have exhibited weakness throughout the day, an overwhelming sense of failure just looms over me. It just hangs there, blocking off any feelings of positivity or affirmation I could possibly conjure up.

     I've always had feelings of not quite measuring up, but I couldn't pinpoint what it was in actual words. A friend of mine - thank God for her - was actually the one who noticed and pointed it out to me over the summer. Knowing what it is puts me slightly at ease, but doesn't take it away. I almost feel like now that I know exactly what this fear is, I see opportunities for failure everywhere. 

     I know some of you are reading this and are either thinking I'm totally making this up, or exaggerating beyond measure. I promise you this is completely legit. But, it's kind of like the junk drawer of my life - the place where I'm messy and don't want anyone to see. Let's open up an incredibly embarrassing example. 

     I'm staying at home this evening (as opposed to on campus) in order to help my little brother study for a big theology exam he has tomorrow. We spent the majority of the afternoon going over his ridiculously long study guide. Now this was some heavy stuff. I'll tell you, for a freshman in high school, they're loading the philosophy pretty hard. Anyway, after studying for about an hour or so, I reached a point where I couldn't anymore. My back hurt, my brain hurt, and I was just not about it anymore. He started to ask me questions and all I could answer with was, "I don't know." Now you see, I took an entire night away from my routine to come here and help him... so "I don't know" wasn't going to cut it. So, I proceeded to frantically flip through his textbook trying to find perfectly worded answers for every question he had. "I will not fail him," I thought... as if I was solely responsible for my brother's performance on this exam. This of course, led us into another 2+ hours of studying. I should probably mention, I had an accounting assignment due at midnight that I hadn't started. Also, accounting and I don't get along so well. Naturally, what ended up happening was Danny and I staying up until 10:45 studying. He went to bed, still racked with unanswered questions and I had an hour to complete an untouched accounting assignment. "I will not fail," I thought to myself. Everyone in the house went to bed, and I sat at the kitchen table with papers sprawled all over trying to complete this assignment. I spent 45 minutes (out of my single hour) working three problems that I ended up getting completely wrong. Not even partially right, just little red x's everywhere. "I will not fail," I whispered to myself. So, there I go again trying to at least complete one problem correctly before my time runs out. I fill out all the little blanks (you wouldn't believe how many there are in one problem), and right as I'm pressing "submit," the internet goes out. Ha! That's right, 45 minutes of wrong work, and some extra only to end with a little sad face on my browser saying "Oops! Lost internet connection!" "I failed," I whispered after banging my hands on the kitchen table (which contradicts the point of whispering because I'm sure I woke someone up with the banging anyway). So I sat there and stared at my empty living room as the balls of stress - commonly known as tears - rolled down my cheeks. I failed Danny. I failed accounting homework. But, I was too busy crying to figure out what else I had failed at today. 

     Now that you have an incredibly detailed picture into the junk drawer of my life, think about your own. Do you have moments like this? Well, hopefully not exactly like this. But do you have a weakness that you feel dominates your life? I can almost guarantee you're not about to write a blog post on it for hundreds of people to read. It's against human nature! We're not supposed to want to share our weaknesses, it makes us so vulnerable! I almost wish there was a word stronger than that because even vulnerable doesn't begin to explain it.

     Now here's a real plot twist! Scripture encourages us to not only "gladly boast in [our] weaknesses," but "for the sake of Christ, be content with them!" (2 Cor 12:9-10). Umm, I don't think so. Fine, I guess I can find the courage somewhere to write a blog about it... maybe we can stretch that to qualify as boasting, let's completely throw out the "gladly" part. But heck no, I am not about to be content with it.

     You know what? I'm not content with it. I will never be content with it. But, I will be content with God working through it. Somehow, someway, the one who made me and knows me better than I know myself will find some way to clean out my junk drawer. Or maybe not... but He wont fail me. My junk drawer doesn't define my worth, my salvation, or His love for me. That, my friends, is something to be content with.

Where It All Started

     I've decided to combine two of the prompts from the "Blog-Tember" series to form this post. Firstly, What inspires you? And secondly, When/why did you start blogging?

     In my sophomore year of high school, I went through a period where my "thing" was writing. I could write about anything and it made me feel oh so good. Whether it was a few lines analyzing The Catcher in the Rye, or paragraphs about the latest Vera Bradley print (I was 15, don't judge), it was my escape. So naturally, I started a blog. Completely honest, my high school blog was lame. I was fully aware of that when I was writing it, and still am. It had no purpose, really, other than a distraction between classes. My blog lacked inspiration. As a result, it died. My posts became more and more sporadic until it was totally gone. 

     But the story isn't over! In my freshman year of college, I was kicked in the butt with inspiration. I had a major "spiritual awakening" (sounds much cheesier than I intended) that I couldn't help but share with people. It didn't matter to me if hundreds of people read it, or if I was the only visitor, I was writing for an audience of one... God. I was so amazed by what He was doing in my life, I wanted to document every second. How awesome it is that my lame sauce high school blog eventually grew into an evangelization tool! Before I knew it, people were reading along and finding inspiration in my humble words. Love it. 

     As Around the Round has continued to grow, my inspiration has come from the reactions of readers. I'm inspired by your curiosity, your hope, and your desire to share your triumphs and struggles in hopes that they'll speak to someone else. I'm honored to continue writing, and even more honored to hear your stories. 

Define Your Passion

     We continue on with our "Blog-Tember" challenge! Today's prompt... "I am passionate about __________."

     I think, simply put, I'm passionate about people. I'm a firm believer that people reveal more about the nature of God than anything else ever could. We are the crown of creation. That being said, it makes sense that each one of us carries specific traits that reflect who God is and what He's like.

     I think this passion translates into my personality and behavior pretty clearly. I'm passionate about spending time with people, finding out their stories, learning their likes and dislikes, observing their idiosyncrasies, and figuring out what makes them unique. It's a fairly simple concept, but one that I think we've grown to overlook in general. I'm passionate about understanding people as more than just my classmate, my boss, my boyfriend, or my roommate. I believe that it's when our relationship with these people supersedes their role in our lives that we're able to actually see God in them, see the divine footprint that He's left on each individual soul.

Happy Pills

     If having a blog has taught me anything, it's that I need to work on consistency. Ha! Seriously though, look at how sporadicly I post. Not a very good habit. Well, I'm hoping that (half-way) participating in Bailey's "Blog-Tember" challenge will help remedy this situation. She's listed 30 different prompts to write about that accompany each day of September. Being completely honest, there is no way I can make an honest commitment to blog for 30 days straight. I can, however, commit to 10 posts. So, with the help of some very important people, we've picked 10 random prompts that I'll be writing about throughout the month of September.

     First up... Write about what makes you happy, from the little joys, to the huge game-changers. In other words, if you could take some "happy pills," what would they be made up of? So here we go.

Soft sweatshirts. Ice cold sweet tea. Dainty jewelry. New boots. 

 Cookies & cream ice cream. Loud country music. Forehead kisses. Birthdays.

Old bibles. Houston skyline. Baseball games. Clean kitchens. 

Gilmore Girls. Fluffy pillows. Fresh sushi. Pedicures.

I love yous. New pens. Glitter. French fries. Washi tape. Big hugs. 

Soft pretzels. Manly cologne (... on a guy). Blow dried hair.  Thunderstorms.

Cougar red Fridays. Juicy red sno-cones. Cutthroat Kitchen. Surprises.

My kiko dog. Airports. CFA chicken minis. Jam sessions in the car. 

Affirmations. Flowers. Southern porches.

Bible Photos

     As of this afternoon, I've started a new practice of inserting pictures into my Bible. Within the past year or so, I've grown to really love Scripture. One of the great things about this was that often times, people would come to mind as I was reading the Word. Naturally, I'd write their name in the margin and move on with my day. But, I didn't like how subtle it was. I wanted something that would really stand out. I desired a way to make the Scriptures more relatable to my everyday life. What a better way than to associate them with people I interact with on a daily basis? 

Here are some pictures about what I'm talking about. (Once these people see this, they're probs going to kill me...)

     I know some of you are reading this and shuddering at the fact that I actually taped things into my Bible! Some logistics... I used washi tape, which lifts up really easily without damaging the pages or lifting the ink. Also (with the exception of the family picture), the other ones are taped alongside the margin. Therefore, they're easy to lift and read underneath. Another option is to paperclip them to the individual pages... your preference really. 

     The Scriptures really are one of the coolest gifts we're lucky enough to have. I encourage you to pick a copy up (or read it on your phone) and experience all the graces that come from immersing yourself in God's word.

     Hope you're all having a productive and/or relaxing summer. Have a super 4th of July!!

Sweet Tea Christians

     My family and I went out for dinner to celebrate my little brother's middle school graduation last night. Due to the fancy pants nature of the restaurant, I constantly had a waiter hovering over me ready to refill my iced tea anytime I took a single sip. I know his intentions were good, but my goodness that drives me crazy. If I had a list of pet peeves, this would be on it. You see, I have a system for sweetening my tea. The second you add more unsweetened tea to my already sweet glass, it throws off the whole thing!

     

     Ask anyone close to me, you do not mess with this girl's sweet tea. I am serious about that stuff. I have a life motto that I rarely share (because people will think I'm a little cray), "There are two things in this world that could never be too sweet: your tea and yourself." That being said, I have another thing that bothers me infinitely times more than refilling a half full glass of iced tea... not sweet people. Even more so, not sweet Christians. 

     

     You see, we as Christians are called to evangelize Christ to the world. It's not a job for a select few, it's a responsibility, a privilege, that we are all granted. But here's the issue - the way we work to fulfill that responsibility is sometimes the same way we fulfill our other (much less important) responsibilities. 

     Let's use an example to illustrate my point. Your boss asks you to market a new product. Naturally, you spend your entire 8-5 workday thinking of new and innovative ways to market that product. You alter your campaign depending on the age range of your audience. But then, at some point, maybe around 6:00pm when you've come home to your family, your efforts diminish. Maybe they don't cease completely, but you're definitely not as productive. Your priority is no longer that ad campaign. 

     We do this with evangelization. We rack our brains trying to come up with fancy ways to "sell Jesus" to those around us. We change our words and behavior depending on who we're interacting with. Our Sunday "work day" is over and we forget our task. We completely miss the point. Christ is love. You share Christ by simply being loving to those around you. Sure, this means those big showy acts of love like buying a meal for a homeless man, or visiting those in prison. But guess what, it also means being respectful to your parents, holding the door open for the stranger behind you, being friendly and affectionate to your spouse, not being snarky to your siblings, and smiling at people. 

     It is ridiculous, a waste of time, and incredibly hypocritical for us to "spend our workday" overcomplicating evangelization when we don't even put effort toward being loving, being sweet to those we interact with multiple times a day. Our world needs more Sweet Tea Christians, our world needs you.

Genesis 22

     Jesus wasn't lying when He said we'd be persecuted if we chose to follow Him. The problem with our perception of this statement is that we have an unrealistic view of the word persecution. You see, we're pretty lucky to live in a society where we face very little verbal or physical persecution for the sake of our faith (in comparison to other areas of the world). I'd argue however, that the type of persecution we face is just as dangerous. We face a type of psychological and emotional persecution when we choose to follow Christ.
     
     A strange phenomenon happens when you devote your life to God where suddenly those once closest to you may feel like complete strangers. People who do not share your love for Christ or passion for the Gospel look down on you with disapproval. Beyond that, some might even pity you. In a matter of moments, you can go from being perceived as a confident, driven, and successful young woman to a disillusioned, naive, undetermined, and weak little girl.

     We were warned this would happen. We've been told since little children in CCE that we may "lose friends" when we choose to put God first. (Although lets be real, anyone you lose in this process probably wasn't the greatest friend to begin with). We're well equipped with bible verses, praise and worship lyrics, and saint quotes to face these tough times! How may times we've heard St. Paul's famous words to Timothy, "I have finished the race. I have kept the faith!" Well, good for you buddy. 

     But come on! You know as well as I do that those words can only go so far. You lose one friend for the sake of Christ... okay. You lose two... alright that sucks a little bit. You lose three... by this point I'm a pro at this, whatever. What happens when the stakes get higher? What happens when the people you start drifting apart from are your family? Or your significant other? What happens then? What happens when the people who have given you the most love are the ones who fail to recognize the source of love itself?

     This is where things get real. This is where your faith is tested. Do you love God more than you love your husband? Do you love Christ more than you love your parents? If your answer to this is "I don't know..." or even "No..." you're not alone. In fact, this has been happening since the days of the Old Testament.

     Remember the story of Abraham? The old guy who prayed and prayed for a son, and God finally blessed him and his wife Sarah with Isaac! Just a few chapters later, God asks Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. Yeah... sacrifice, as in kill. Can you imagine the inner turmoil that poor old man must have been going through? The pain and agony of even thinking about killing his child. Followed by the frustration that it was for the sake of God! Hopefully you all know how the story ends. Abraham is about to go through with it all, when God stops him! (Thank goodness. How awful would that story be if he actually ended up killing him?)

     Okay but here's the point. Abraham's faith was being tested. In that critical moment of truth, Abraham chose God over Isaac, trusting that God's plans were greater than his own. Obviously, God wants what's best for us - more than our friends do, more than our parents do. Not only does God want what's best for us, He knows what's best for us. In that moment, God decided losing Isaac wasn't what was best for Abraham.

     Final thought in the course of all this madness. Is it possible that you're Abraham right now? Is there something that God is calling you to do that is causing a distance to form between you and those you love the most? Don't get stuck on the first part of Abraham's story. Understand that God's plans are significantly greater than ours. He will never leave you orphan. He has never failed, and He most definitely isn't about to start. 

Donde Estas

     In my last post, I wrote about my realization of how desperately I needed God. I raised my white flag in hopes that God would come running at me like a warrior, ready to defeat all of my life's problems. Well, I'm very unhappy to report that I feel like I've been sitting on the ground waving my white flag to an empty room. In fact, it's become less of a wave - my arm is barely holding the thing up.

     I will say, I've received some consolation in the fact that some of our church's greatest saints also went through these periods of isolation. Mother Teresa actually wrote letters to some of her church superiors throughout the last 50 years of her life explaining this struggle. She even went so far as to admit that it was difficult for her to feel any bit of God's existence in her heart, or in the Eucharist. 

"I call, I cling, I want - and there is no One to answer - no One on Whom I can cling - no, No one. Alone... Where is my Faith - even deep down right in there is nothing, but emptiness and darkness. My God - how painful is this unknown pain - I have no Faith. I dare not utter the words and thoughts that crowd in my heart and make me suffer untold agony."

     How I wish I could have a hang out day with Mother Teresa. Girl, I feel you! The problem with these moments of solitude aren't the moments themselves - but the idea that we can't share them with anyone. Real talk, if it wasn't for this blog I probably wouldn't be either. I don't have all the answers. I'm out of ideas on how to remedy this situation. Quite frankly, I don't think this post will necessarily help me on my quest to feel God's presence. But, my hope is that someone with a similar struggle would stumble across this and realize that they're not alone.

     All I've been able to muster up as a prayer recently is "Help me become more aware of your presence." But hey, eight words are better than none, right? 

Oh, How I Desperately Need You

     It's time for a real talk post. The thing about posts like this is that they get really personal really quick. But I'm a big believer in the idea that God uses our present circumstances to prepare us for what's coming next, and/or to help others who may be sharing our struggles. So for the sake of all that good stuff, here goes nothing.

     The past month, I have been repeatedly reminded of just how much I need God. For whatever reason, the weeks of February felt long and painful. It seemed like bad news was always looming overhead and just as things would start to let up, I'd be slapped with it once more. During moments like this, I desperately longed for consolation. But, I'm way too stubborn to ever admit the fact that I need a hug and a shoulder to literally cry on. Don't even get me started on the crying... so not my favorite.

     Well of course, my inability to be honest with my feelings left me to sit alone with them. Obviously, the best thing to do would have been to take it to prayer. I should have thrown myself into the arms of God and allowed Him to console me. But, there I went again... stubborn and unwilling. "I'm not that hurt. I'm okay. Today has just been stressful. I don't need anyone to help me." I'm sure what comes next is no surprise. Eventually, I fell. "Why aren't things getting any better? Why doesn't my family realize I'm hurting? Why don't my friends do anything about it?" Once you reach this point, it's easy to become frustrated with the people around you... as if they carry any of the blame for your current distress.

     The truth of the matter is, none of the people around us have the ability to console and heal us. Don't get me wrong, having a friend lend his/her shoulder to cry on is absolutely wonderful and totally necessary sometimes. In fact, we are called to be that shoulder for our brothers and sisters as a way of exemplifying God's love. But, this is only a temporary fix. The struggles that we carry, the failures we cling to, and the pain of our situation can only be healed by God. This requires extreme levels of surrender - a total feeling of lost control. And that, my friends, is scary. Even worse, it can appear lonely at first. We have to acknowledge that other human beings cannot and will not make our situation better. If we focus on that, it seems as if we have nothing left... and that feeling of loneliness is sometimes too great to bear. Take heart! In that loneliness, God calls. Audrey Assad says it best, "In the silence of the heart, you speak."

     I've reached the point where I need to be silent. I've raised my white flag and cried all over it. It's time to be silent, let go, and let God do His thing.

"You Speak" - Audrey Assad

Responding to God's Love

     It's been a while, folks. I've been a little lacking in blogging inspiration lately. Thankfully, this past Tuesday at bible study, I was struck with an idea. Our study last week focused on the topic of faith and works. We spoke at length about James 2:14-26.

     

     I've come to realize that many people incorrectly assume that Catholics believe we must earn heaven. Because of our disagreement with the principle of "by faith alone" in regards to salvation, it may seem as if we try to work to earn a spot in heaven. This is not the case. We do place significant importance on the physical works we do while here on earth. The reason why however, is not because it's a "rule." Rather, it's a response. Our good works on earth are a response to the faith that we have in God, the love that we have for Christ. 

     

     Whenever we talk to someone about our relationship with Christ, the conversation naturally turns to all the things God has done for us - "Oh look at all the blessings He has bestowed on me!" We use phrases such as "count your blessings" and say grace before meals as ways of recognizing the acts God has done out of pure love for us. God bestows His blessings upon us as a response to His overwhelming love for us. If even God does this, doesn't it make sense that we do the same?

     The motivation for our good works should never be to "earn heaven" or to simply "get on God's good side." Rather, they should be natural and appropriate responses to the great love that he continually pours out on us. 

     Okay I realize there wasn't a whole lot going on here... so I promise to post again soon with something much more thought provoking! Have a great week everyone!