Donde Estas

     In my last post, I wrote about my realization of how desperately I needed God. I raised my white flag in hopes that God would come running at me like a warrior, ready to defeat all of my life's problems. Well, I'm very unhappy to report that I feel like I've been sitting on the ground waving my white flag to an empty room. In fact, it's become less of a wave - my arm is barely holding the thing up.

     I will say, I've received some consolation in the fact that some of our church's greatest saints also went through these periods of isolation. Mother Teresa actually wrote letters to some of her church superiors throughout the last 50 years of her life explaining this struggle. She even went so far as to admit that it was difficult for her to feel any bit of God's existence in her heart, or in the Eucharist. 

"I call, I cling, I want - and there is no One to answer - no One on Whom I can cling - no, No one. Alone... Where is my Faith - even deep down right in there is nothing, but emptiness and darkness. My God - how painful is this unknown pain - I have no Faith. I dare not utter the words and thoughts that crowd in my heart and make me suffer untold agony."

     How I wish I could have a hang out day with Mother Teresa. Girl, I feel you! The problem with these moments of solitude aren't the moments themselves - but the idea that we can't share them with anyone. Real talk, if it wasn't for this blog I probably wouldn't be either. I don't have all the answers. I'm out of ideas on how to remedy this situation. Quite frankly, I don't think this post will necessarily help me on my quest to feel God's presence. But, my hope is that someone with a similar struggle would stumble across this and realize that they're not alone.

     All I've been able to muster up as a prayer recently is "Help me become more aware of your presence." But hey, eight words are better than none, right? 

Oh, How I Desperately Need You

     It's time for a real talk post. The thing about posts like this is that they get really personal really quick. But I'm a big believer in the idea that God uses our present circumstances to prepare us for what's coming next, and/or to help others who may be sharing our struggles. So for the sake of all that good stuff, here goes nothing.

     The past month, I have been repeatedly reminded of just how much I need God. For whatever reason, the weeks of February felt long and painful. It seemed like bad news was always looming overhead and just as things would start to let up, I'd be slapped with it once more. During moments like this, I desperately longed for consolation. But, I'm way too stubborn to ever admit the fact that I need a hug and a shoulder to literally cry on. Don't even get me started on the crying... so not my favorite.

     Well of course, my inability to be honest with my feelings left me to sit alone with them. Obviously, the best thing to do would have been to take it to prayer. I should have thrown myself into the arms of God and allowed Him to console me. But, there I went again... stubborn and unwilling. "I'm not that hurt. I'm okay. Today has just been stressful. I don't need anyone to help me." I'm sure what comes next is no surprise. Eventually, I fell. "Why aren't things getting any better? Why doesn't my family realize I'm hurting? Why don't my friends do anything about it?" Once you reach this point, it's easy to become frustrated with the people around you... as if they carry any of the blame for your current distress.

     The truth of the matter is, none of the people around us have the ability to console and heal us. Don't get me wrong, having a friend lend his/her shoulder to cry on is absolutely wonderful and totally necessary sometimes. In fact, we are called to be that shoulder for our brothers and sisters as a way of exemplifying God's love. But, this is only a temporary fix. The struggles that we carry, the failures we cling to, and the pain of our situation can only be healed by God. This requires extreme levels of surrender - a total feeling of lost control. And that, my friends, is scary. Even worse, it can appear lonely at first. We have to acknowledge that other human beings cannot and will not make our situation better. If we focus on that, it seems as if we have nothing left... and that feeling of loneliness is sometimes too great to bear. Take heart! In that loneliness, God calls. Audrey Assad says it best, "In the silence of the heart, you speak."

     I've reached the point where I need to be silent. I've raised my white flag and cried all over it. It's time to be silent, let go, and let God do His thing.

"You Speak" - Audrey Assad

Responding to God's Love

     It's been a while, folks. I've been a little lacking in blogging inspiration lately. Thankfully, this past Tuesday at bible study, I was struck with an idea. Our study last week focused on the topic of faith and works. We spoke at length about James 2:14-26.

     

     I've come to realize that many people incorrectly assume that Catholics believe we must earn heaven. Because of our disagreement with the principle of "by faith alone" in regards to salvation, it may seem as if we try to work to earn a spot in heaven. This is not the case. We do place significant importance on the physical works we do while here on earth. The reason why however, is not because it's a "rule." Rather, it's a response. Our good works on earth are a response to the faith that we have in God, the love that we have for Christ. 

     

     Whenever we talk to someone about our relationship with Christ, the conversation naturally turns to all the things God has done for us - "Oh look at all the blessings He has bestowed on me!" We use phrases such as "count your blessings" and say grace before meals as ways of recognizing the acts God has done out of pure love for us. God bestows His blessings upon us as a response to His overwhelming love for us. If even God does this, doesn't it make sense that we do the same?

     The motivation for our good works should never be to "earn heaven" or to simply "get on God's good side." Rather, they should be natural and appropriate responses to the great love that he continually pours out on us. 

     Okay I realize there wasn't a whole lot going on here... so I promise to post again soon with something much more thought provoking! Have a great week everyone! 

Short and Sweet Life Story

     Day one in the February blogging challenge! Here's my story, the shortest and sweetest version I could possibly come up with.

     It started back in October of 1994. I was born in the middle of the hustling Texas Med Center in the wonderful city of Houston. Born and raised, I was a southern girl from the start. But even better, I was born to two wildly entertaining Hispanic parents. The combination of the culture I was raised in and the one I was born into is one of my favorite blessings. We settled in the picture perfect city of Sugar Land, a few minutes outside of Houston... where the only things sweeter than the name are the people!

     I was baptized very shortly after exiting the womb and have been living the Catholic party ever since! When I was almost 5 years old, my family welcomed another baby into the world. My little brother, Danny, was born in September of 1999. He is, without a doubt, my absolute favorite blessing.

     I started attending a non-parochial private school until I was old enough to start at Catholic School. Side story - I started reading early (which might explain my struggle with all things math/science). As a result, I moved up to Kindergarten a year early and needed to reach a certain age until St. Laurence would allow me to enter in the 2nd grade. I spent the majority of my grade school at St. Laurence, the home of the Saints. How creative, I know. But, it was home nonetheless. For years, I associated school with plaid jumpers and mass on Friday mornings.

     Upon leaving St. Laurence, I went up a level in my "Catholic School Girl" status. I started at St. Agnes Academy, an all girls college preparatory high school. Yes, all girls. So much estrogen. People have their mixed opinions about St. Agnes, but I absolutely loved it. I also loved the fact that there was an all boys school right next door. This meant you could selectively decide when you did and did not want to see young men. Let me tell you, some days, sticking with girls is just much easier. While at The Academy, I got my first job, dabbled in theater, had a long term boyfriend, and served on the campus ministry team. High school was good to me, and for that I'm thankful. 

     In my junior year of high school, I also got confirmed. I was pretty interested in my faith at this point, so this was pretty exciting. Little did I know the graces that I was about to be flooded with! Another side story - I dig my confirmation name. Rose, from St. Rose of Lima. Check her out, she's fabulous.

     My first semester of college sent me to San Antonio as I attended St. Mary's University. I could start an entirely new blog dedicated to all the lessons I learned during my first semester of college. I was blessed with wonderful roommates, incredible experiences, and a fantastic scholarship. 

     For various reasons (more on this later if necessary), I transferred to the University of Houston in January of 2013. The journey back to Houston was probably one of my most life changing events. I'll admit, it was a transition that came with a lot of fear. There was a lot of change going on. My new school would be 10x bigger than my previous one. I would be living on campus with brand new roommates. My three year role of "girlfriend" was over. My grandma who practically lived with us was becoming increasingly sick. You could say it was a little bit overwhelming. But, God is so great. Romans 8:18 is SO RIGHT, "The pain you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that is coming." God absolutely blew me away with blessings during my first semester at UH. My faith was set on fire. I fell in love with Jesus Christ deeper than I ever knew possible. I came to understand myself better, found my passions, explored my talents, and just embraced all the joys of life.

     The rest of 2013 did not disappoint. I had the most productive and fun summer of my life. I worked as a camp counselor, started attending weekly bible study, became involved in the young adult ministry at my church, made new friendships, strengthened old ones, and got a killer tan! 

     By the time fall semester came around, I felt empowered. I had a clearer idea of what I wanted to pursue in terms of a career and a desire to grow deeper in my faith and help others do the same. I spent the fall semester praying for opportunities to put these passions into action. Of course, God doesn't disappoint. I'm happy to announce that I'm actively pursuing these goals, as well as new and exciting projects that have come my way. 

     Good job, people! You've managed to make it through my entire life story, almost! This is where I am now, living in the crazy chaos that is college. If these past 19 years have taught me anything it's that God loves us the most. Because of that, He has plans for us greater than anything we could ever come up with. Our plans will get messed up, our "perfect" lives will shatter. But when that happens, get excited. It just means He's about to surprise you with something so much better. 

2013: The Year I Learned How To Love

     I've never been the kind of person to make real New Year's Resolutions. Last year, however, I did something that might have constituted as one. I spent the last few weeks of December contemplating one word I could pray through for the rest of the year. On New Year's Day 2013, my answer was finally revealed to me in prayer: love.

     

     I spent the entirety of 2013 trying to learn what it meant to truly love... love myself, love others, and love God. Anyone who has known me for a while might have been surprised. I'm the kind of person that doesn't go a day (much less two hours) without saying "I love you." I had always believed I had love figured out. This past year proved to me how very wrong I was. But, it was the greatest and most valuable lesson I've ever learned.

     I'm sure we are all fairly familiar with some version of the quote by St. Thomas Aquinas, "To love is to will the good of another." When we hear this quote, it is easy for us to assume this is the way we love those closest to us. However, willing the good of someone, and actually dying to yourself in order that they may achieve it are two very different things. Authentic love is not complete without both parts. I begged God to challenge me this year - to give me the opportunity to exemplify authentic love in its most raw form. He did not disappoint.

     Love is not easy. True and genuine love is filled with times where it's anything but easy. In those moments where love becomes challenging, painful, and even strenuous, our mere humanity is not enough to hold us up. As Dr. Edward Sri states, "Love requires virtue." If you are not continually working toward becoming a more virtuous person, achieving this level of love is impossible. The difficulty of it will break you. We need God all the time, but especially in those moments. Moments like these require extreme levels of chastity, temperance, charity, diligence, patience, kindness, and humility. Genuine love challenges you to return to the person God made you to be - a reflection of His goodness. This is no easy task. It is an uphill battle against the effects of sin that are so prevalent in our world - especially apathy, a general lack of interest in the battle at hand.

     Love requires sacrifice. We were created out of love, and for love. Therefore, this sacrificial behavior should be what guides our actions on a daily basis. Are you the kind of person who lays down your life consistently, even in the small things? Honest self sacrifice should be evident in all your relationships - not just in a select few. The number of times that I've heard people say things like, "When I'm in a relationship, I am so attentive to my boyfriend's/girlfriend's needs" is appalling. If you honestly believe this about yourself, this is a red flag. Our actions of self sacrifice should never be conditional.

     Once again, as Dr. Sri says, "The way you practice is the way you're going to play the game." For most of us, this is our practice time. College is filled with years of being young, free, and unattached. If we cannot practice love in its most raw and true form now, we will not be able to years from now in our marriages and workplaces.

     If you're living ruled by a watered down version of love, ask God to help you grow. Ask Him to flood you with the graces necessary that you may cultivate the seven virtues in your heart. This will change your life, in the most wonderful of ways. Make 2014 life changing.

St. Therese of Lisieux, pray for us.

Breaking The Habit

     In my last post, I briefly mentioned the practice of focusing on the resurrection instead of the crucifixion. Here's where I've realized this can become a bit problematic. We have an awful habit of planning our own resurrections. I know most of you will read this and probably blow it off thinking, "Nah, I never do that." I'm here to tell you that you're wrong. We all do it, and we do it constantly.

"I'm going to keep my faith strong during this time of unemployment. I just know that if I do, I'll get the position I've been wanting."

"I know that if I just keep praying, my relative will be healed from his life threatening illness."

"I'm sure that if I'm just patient and trust in God's timing, I'll end up dating (insert name)."

     In each one of these scenarios, the desire to keep the faith and persevere though rough waters is there... and that's lovely! But what follows is the belief that we know what the resurrection will look like. Let's be real for a minute, how often in life do things work out exactly according to your plan? God's plans are not only usually very different than ours, but they are so much better.

     This is quite possibly the most difficult thing for me in my faith journey - attempting to strive toward a resurrection God has created for me, instead of one I've imagined myself. How fitting that I be writing this at the very end of the year. Looking back at 2013, I never could have predicted the events of my life throughout the past 12 months. I mean that with every fiber of my being. The current status of my life is 100% different than it was this time last year. And let me tell you, the resurrection I'm currently living looks nothing like the one I had imagined a year ago - it is a million times more wonderful!

     My advice to you, as we begin a new year, is to let go of your image of the perfect resurrection. Give yourself the freedom of watching God do His best work. Don't hold Him back with your amateur blueprints. Take a minute to define the areas in your life right now that feel like moments of crucifixion - your crosses, the difficulties you bear. Then, become aware of your ideal way to "fix" said difficulties. Lastly, let all of those go. I'm totally serious. Every time you find yourself daydreaming about your ideal resurrection, force yourself to think about something else. Offer up a prayer and let God do what He does best. I am promising you right now that you will not be disappointed. He will not only meet your expectations, He will surpass them. 

Resurrection Takes Center Stage

     This Houston girl has been exploring her roots for the past week while vacationing in Mexico. Right now, I'm writing from sunny (and rather humid) Cancun. This change of weather and scenery is absolutely awesome. Being able to walk around in a swimsuit at the end of December is one of the most marvelous things imaginable. In fact, if I were Maria in The Sound of Music, it would be listed in my "Favorite Things" song. 

     Although I'm on vacation, my Catholic duty to attend mass on Sunday doesn't cease. If anything, I'm even more excited about it. Due to some plans we had made for Sunday afternoon, my dad and I decided to attend Saturday evening mass. We ventured into what turned out to be an open-air sanctuary with a rather interesting look. You see, unlike any church I've ever been to, there was not a crucifix front and center. Instead, what took the main stage was a statue of the risen Lord Jesus. It completely threw me off guard. I'll admit, for a while, it even made me slightly uncomfortable. My thoughts were something along the lines of, "This is so wrong. We are completely overlooking the very core of our Christian faith by choosing not to highlight Jesus' sacrifice on the cross. It should be the focus of this very building."

Parroquia de Cristo Resucitado 

     Almost instantly, I realized just how wrong I was. I was completely 100% missing the point. The cross is not the end-all be-all of our faith. If the cross was it, there would be no Christianity. There would be nothing to believe in. Death would have won. However, by the very scenery of the church I was standing in, we know this isn't true. The true core of our Christian faith comes from the fact that Christ defeated death. He literally rose from the dead. The one part of life we know is guaranteed for our human selves, was overcome by Him. That's what the focus should be. This church got it right. 

     How often do we do this to ourselves? We lose perspective and believe that the core of our lives must be our crosses. Oh how foolish we are to allow ourselves to forget that God promises us moments of resurrection. We let the cross become our focus - and our perseverance merely ceases to exist. True perseverance can only come from a hope that there is something in store greater than the trial we currently find ourselves in. Never, not even for a moment, let yourself doubt that something greater is in store. God went to such great lengths as to sacrifice His own son for us in order that we may have a living example of this. 

     Through Christ's resurrection, the enemy was overcome. He hates this. Satan will do anything possible in order that you lose sight of the resurrection and instead become more focused on your cross. But you've got this. You have the spirit of the Lord within you, fighting for you ten times harder than the enemy ever could. Look up, friends. Look up and see the resurrection in front of you. Embrace the cross you're carrying with perseverance, for the prize at the end is far greater than its burden. 

Live For Your Purpose

     My heart was in Indianapolis this weekend. Thousands of high school Catholic teens spent the weekend at NCYC, the National Catholic Youth Conference, "a biennial three-day experience of prayer, community, and empowerment." Unfortunately, college aged Ivonne is spending this weekend in her dorm room studying for an upcoming economics test. Fortunately, I was able to catch Jackie Francois' keynote address on Friday evening though live feed. Thank goodness for technology.
     
     Most of Jackie's talk was centered on the idea that we are made for love. As your typical Catholic school girl, I've heard these words countless times. "Men and women are created in the image and likeness of God. They are made for love. That is their ultimate purpose." For some reason (the Holy Spirit at work) this struck me. The only thought that came to mind was, "If we actually believed that, we would never let anything but kind words escape from our lips."

     Really think about this for a minute. We were made to be images of God. When people look at us, they should see qualities that God possesses. How often do we give off other characteristics? I know for a fact I've given off plenty of other characteristics that definitely are not reflections of God. Just in the past 24 hours I've been patient, kind, loving, generous, and compassionate. However, I've also been sarcastic, dramatic, lazy, selfish, and apathetic. Sometimes, we allow our kind actions to hide the small but numerous actions motivated by qualities other than love.

     I'll admit, this is difficult. Making sure every single one of our actions reflects the image of God can feel nearly impossible. But, with help from the Holy Spirit, we can get better. It has to become habit. This will only come from lots and lots of practice. I challenge you to try this with me. Try it with a friend and really hold each other accountable. Live your life with intention - the intention to do nothing other than radiate the qualities of the incredible God who created you. 

Moments of Crucifixion

     Think about the last time you felt an unbelievable surge of happiness. I'm fairly positive that all of you can replay this moment in your mind, almost perfectly recreating the feelings and emotions that came with it. Sit with that for a moment - that feeling of utter and complete joy. These are the feelings of the resurrection.
   
     Now, you're about to dislike me for a moment. Think about the last time you felt heart wrenching sadness. Really think about it. Force yourself to go back and understand where those feelings were coming from. I'm willing to bet you were feeling much more than just sadness. When sad things happen, hundreds of other feelings often times come rushing in - disappointment, worry, betrayal, confusion, fear, etc. Those are the feelings of the cross.

     Here's where the contradictory part comes in. We, as Christians, have a rather difficult calling to consider feelings of the resurrection during the times of crucifixion.

"Consider it all joy, my brothers, when you encounter various trials, for you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance."

- James 1:2-3

     You have to trust me when I say I know this is easier said than done. I'm not pretending to have all the answers. In fact, I struggle with this, a lot. But, here is one of the cool parts of having a blog. In moments like this, you can go back and reread your writing when things in your life were different. I took a look at a post I had written about two months ago, Joyous Christianity. 

"The critical theme in all of these verses is that the source of joy is always the Lord. This is not saying that God underestimates the happiness that we can receive from worldly things... However, God has a history of never "ripping off" his children, we are never offered the "second best." Throughout the Scriptures, every story presents God in such a way where He pours His best out for His children to receive. Likewise, He is making Himself available to us in order that we may partake in the relationship that will bring us more joy than all worldly pleasures combined."

- Joyous Christianity

     If anyone reading feels like they're stuck in the moments of crucifixion, I hope this serves as a small sign of hope. There is an Easter Sunday coming. I don't know when or how, but I believe wholeheartedly that is it coming. Please, remind yourself of that constantly... through all the events of your crucifixion time. Remind yourself of those wonderful resurrection feelings and look forward to their coming.

Note: In the same way that I hope you look to this blog for some insight, I do the same thing. I hope that the following blog posts by other incredible authors will speak to your heart as well.

"Broken"

"What To Do When It Hurts Like Hell"

Take Courage

     Last week, I had the chance to participate in a "Busy Student's Retreat" at the UH Catholic Newman Center. The logistics of this particular retreat were unlike anything I had ever experienced. For 4 days, all participants were asked to commit to 30 minutes of solo scriptural prayer, 30 minutes with a spiritual director, and 30 minutes of community prayer (daily mass/evening prayer). Although I was excited for the retreat, I'll admit that I went in with plenty of hesitation. How fitting that the Busy Student's Retreat took place during my busiest week at college thus far. St. Francis de Sales once said, "Every one of us needs half an hour of prayer each day, except when we are busy - then we need an hour." Well, I was super busy. So naturally, I was assigned to an hour and a half.
   
     During our first meeting, my spiritual director - a lovely woman, Sr. Anita - asked me to share with her my goals for the retreat. She asked, "What do you need to get out of this? What do you want?" It was a loaded question. I answered her simply saying, "Clarity. I need help figuring out what God wants. I want to more clearly see His will above my own plans." Each day, Sr. Anita would give me a passage of scripture to reflect on and share the next day. I dove headfirst into each one. I went word by word trying to somehow interpret the passage in a way where it applied to my search for clarity. Well, it didn't work. Each night, I would find some meaning in the passage, but it was never what I was expecting to hear.
   
     Let me give you an example. On the evening of Tuesday, October 29th, Sr. Anita asked me to read Mark 10:46-52. This is the story of The Blind Bartimaeus. Here's a little summary of the story, in "Ivonne language"...

Jesus and His disciples were walking along the road when they see this guy who's crying out 

"Jesus, have mercy on me!" Jesus notices what's up and tells his disciples, 

"Get him over here." So, the disciples go to the blind guy and say 

"Take courage! He's calling you!" The guy gets all excited and goes to Jesus. 

Jesus asks him, "What do you want me to do for you?" Blind guy says, "I want to see." 

Jesus says, "Alright cool. You can go. You have faith, so you're all good!" 

Then, immediately, the blind guy regained his sight.

     Alright, so I'm reading this thinking, "Well, I'm not blind. So, this obviously has nothing to do with me." But, I couldn't say that to Sr. Anita during my meeting the next afternoon. So, I forced myself to reread it again... and again... and again. I put it down and pretty much gave up. Eventually, I made myself pick it up once more, hoping to come up with something at least remotely useful to share with Sr. Anita. However, this time, it all made sense.

     I was (and at times, still am) the blind Bartimaeus. From the moment I walked into the retreat, all I was praying for was clarity, "I want to see." For the longest time, I had been frustrated that I wasn't getting immediate results. Ahh, but here's the kicker. I never actually did anything other than pray and wait to get answers. Nowhere along the way did I ever exhibit any amount of courage. There's a reason it's the first thing mentioned, folks.

     Most of us young Catholics right now have a huge problem in this department. We stress and worry about whether every single little decision we make is in line with God's plan. We pray unceasingly for the clarity to discern that. But, we don't ever do anything. The question I've begun to ask myself is, "What does taking courage look like for me?" I strongly suggest you ask yourselves the same question. But furthermore, actually answer it. Pinpoint the areas in your life where you need to demonstrate more courage. A friend once told me, "When you pray for courage, God won't give you the sudden sensation of being invincible. Rather, He will give you opportunities to demonstrate courage." I'm willing to bet all of us are given opportunities to demonstrate courage on a daily basis. Let's tackle them together.