Let Go of Your Tree

     The gospel reading from yesterday (3rd Sunday of Lent) really struck me. This particular reading shares with us one of Jesus' parables. Oh parables... You know when one of those gets introduced, things are going to get complicated. 
     This parable tells the story of a orchard owner who has a fig tree. It has been three years and the fig tree still has not produced fruit. Frustrated, the orchard owner tells the gardner that he plans on cutting down the tree. The gardner then promises to cultivate the ground and fertilize the soil in hopes of it bearing fruit. If after a year it still does not bear fruit, the orchard owner can cut it down. 
   I guess, cool story bro. I had the hardest time trying to relate to this parable. I spent a while trying to manipulate the circumstances of my life to find a way to convince myself that I was the tree in some sense (a work in progress), or even the gardner (the one who helps things grow to their potential). Imagine my disappointment when I realized I was the lame orchard owner. I wasn't the beautiful tree with immense potential. I wasn't the selfless and dedicated gardner. I was the whiny complaining orchard owner. Great.
     I've spent the past few months really trying my hardest to grow in my relationship with God, to become a living, breathing representation of the Holy Spirit. I desperately wanted to be the gardner. Hey, I was even fine with being the tree. But I felt like being seen as the orchard owner meant that I had made no progress throughout these past few months. I was still hung up on what had failed in my life. My three year old fruitless tree. My friend Claire noticed my disappointment and kindly reminded me not to judge my feelings. "Recognize how you feel and see that as something to work on, with God." I couldn't have said it better myself.
     I believe that at some point, we are all the orchard owner. We all have something in our lives that isn't working out and we feel tempted to just "cut it down", give up. Or, sometimes it's taken away from us. Regardless, we need to recognize that it doesn't end there. All of the failed parts of our lives (academics, jobs, relationships) do not disappear when we decide that they do not bring about the fruit that we desire. We've been challenged to hand what we perceive as failures to the "gardner", to God. I'm going to ask you all to join me in this task. Instead of just giving up and throwing it away, hand it over to God, ask him to fix it. If for some reason we believe it has already been taken away, realize that maybe God is using this as an opportunity to fix it Himself, to cultivate the ground and fertilize the soil. 
     Don't cut down your tree. Rather, give it to the gardner and allow Him to do with it what He deems most beneficial. 

Music Obsession

My friend Angie showed me this song earlier this week and I really enjoyed it. It's a very "feel good" kind of song. Don't go into it expecting some deep lyrics that are going to make you rethink your life. But, it can definitely put you in a cheerful mood!

Music Obsession

I've been listening to this song on repeat for the past half hour or so. I thought I'd share! 

Reflections on Captivating #5

     We have reached the end of our Captivating series. I have to say, I am still perplexed by the number of blessings God has bestowed upon me since I started this book. My ability to understand and put into action the message of Captivating increases on a daily basis and I'm constantly being flooded with a deeper longing to become the woman God wills me to be.
     The most important message I got out of this book was the need to love. That sounds very cliche. But, through reading this text, I was able to break free from my preconceived warm and fuzzy notions of love. Captivating forced me to dig deep into my heart and soul and understand the true meaning of a self giving, vulnerable, and completely unguarded love... the love that we are created for. 
     In the past few reflections, I wrote about the fact that we as women constantly have our femininity assaulted. In an effort to participate in this genuine love, we allow ourselves to be very vulnerable. Unfortunately, this opens us up to attack. As a result, we vow to never embrace our vulnerability again. However, this means we also restrain ourselves from participating in genuine love. We cannot keep letting fear get in the way! God tells us that although we will suffer heartbreak from time to time, He will always be there to renew us. But, we have a duty to continue participating in authentic love, no matter how great the risk. 
     I personally have made a vow to live every day in accordance with God's vision of feminine love. My prayer every morning (on my walk to class) simply states, 

"Lord, help me exemplify femininity today. Give me the grace to love without hesitation and to invite others to do the same." 

     I must admit that when I first finished this book, I was not completely healed. I'm still not. There are still days where earthly lies creep in, and I doubt my worth. This does not mean I'm allowed to "stay in hiding". Jesus invites us to live as an inviting woman who possesses genuine love now, and to "find our healing along the way" (Eldredge 140). I promise you with every fiber of my being that this is worthwhile. As soon as I made a commitment to live each day as a woman of God, my healing process accelerated rapidly. 
     If I could leave you all with one thing I learned from this book, it is that God made us as women for a reason. There are no mistakes in our character. We are meant to be protective, emotional, naive, vulnerable, beautiful, and impulsive. Embrace all these qualities! Never allow rejection to make you feel as if any of these characteristics is a flaw. Live each day in such a way that "shows off" these traits; live each day in genuine love. 

"A woman of true beauty is a woman who in the depths of her soul is at rest, trusting God because she has come to know Him to be worthy of her trust."

[Captivating pg. 137]

Beautiful Quotes

Reflections on "Captivating" #4

     Reflection #3 of this series probably left some of you feeling unsatisfied. I've explained the fact that our hearts our wounded. I've even explained the reason why these wounds are necessary. But, all of us share one common goal of trying to find a way to heal ourselves. That right there is our biggest problem - we try to fix ourselves. Why do we honestly think we have that ability? Obviously if we were capable of taking such good care of our hearts, we wouldn't have allowed them to be attacked in the first place. 
     For those of you that truly believe what was written in my previous reflection, you should understand that attempting to build ourselves up on our own is counterproductive. Now, don't get me wrong, we shouldn't throw ourselves a pity party and surrender to defeat. We should however, surrender to God. He is the only guaranteed way in which we will be completely healed. The world we live in is going to trick you into thinking that other things can heal you, but that's where we get ourselves into trouble again.
     We've already acknowledged the fact that nothing but a close relationship with God can bring us ultimate happiness. So, when those things fail, doesn't it seem silly to once again turn to everything other than Him? How preposterous does this sound? We live our lives running in this continuous circle. It's time to wake up, realize how dumb we're being, and change it! God is ready. You don't need to convince Him to heal you or beg Him for help, He knows your heart better than you do. All you need to do is give Him permission. We have a loving and just God. That means, He has not and will never FORCE you into a relationship with Him. But, like a patient lover, He is always present and available to help you. Let Him in! 
     I know that this isn't easy. It feels funny and a little awkward to tell the creator of the universe, "Okay, I guess you can help me now." But don't let that awkward feeling prevent you from asking. If you're having trouble, tell Him that! I have the hardest time accepting defeat and asking Him for help. But, instead of just forgoing that process all together, I pray to Him. Seriously, my prayer sounds so silly, "God, I know I need help but I really don't want to ask you for it. Will you please help me realize that I need you? Help me stop acting like I can do this on my own." 
     Realize that when we invite God to heal us, He is going to shake us. He agrees to heal our hearts if we work alongside Him. The way we do this is by forgiving. I sound like a kindergarten teacher, but we cannot go our entire lives holding a grudge. Just because you don't feel a deep hatred for someone at the sound of their name doesn't mean you're not holding a grudge against them. We absolutely HAVE to forgive all the people that have hurt us, not just ignore the pain that they caused. If we don't, we are allowing that wound to continue growing deeper in our hearts, even if we are convinced we've forgotten about it. Neil Armstrong tells us, "Don't wait to forgive until you feel like forgiving. You will never get there. Feelings take time to heal after the choice to forgive is made." Take my word, this is absolutely true. Just try it. But remember, forgiving is not saying "It didn't really matter..." "I probably deserved part of it anyway..." Forgiveness is saying "It was wrong, very wrong. It mattered, hurt me deeply. And I release you, I give you up to God" (Eldredge 104). Forgiving does not mean telling someone "It's okay." Because quite frankly, it's not. It is saying, "I refuse to let myself become captive of the pain you have caused me. I refuse to allow this pain to transform into hate." As soon as we accept that definition of forgiveness, it becomes much easier to practice. 
     Don't allow your wound (whatever it may be) burn in your heart any longer. We don't need to subject ourselves to the suffering. God is ready to take it away from you... let Him have it! 

Reflections on "Captivating" #3

     In post #2 of this series, I wrote about the fall of humanity and how it led to the wounded female heart. Most can agree that this idea is true to an extent. But upon further inspection, it is apparent that this wound translates into our lives in the form of major life challenges such as the death of a loved one, the end of a marriage, or the loss of a job. These are all moments that lead us into a feeling of despair, the moments that cause us to become angry with God and questioning Him as to "why" we are faced with such hardships. 
     I cant speak for everyone, but I always despised when people would try and make me feel better about something by saying, "This is all in God's plan." What kind of a god would allow something so terrible to happen to me? I've come to realize the answer to that question is simple, a God who loves us more than we could ever imagine. 
     I wrote earlier about how we have a habit of trying to find satisfaction in earthly things - our jobs, our possessions, our relationships, etc. We all know from experience that they can bring us incredible amounts of happiness. But, we also all know deep down (although we may not like to admit) that the happiness is limited. Something always goes wrong. Our job becomes difficult and we lose interest. We lose or break our possessions. Our relationships that were once perfect cause us to feel lonely and unloved. Why does something always go wrong? We led ourselves to believe that these earthly things could bring us the same amount of happiness and satisfaction as God. We were setting ourselves up for disappointment by appointing the job of indefinite satisfaction to finite means of entertainment.
     God uses these times to shake us up. He "blocks our attempts until, wounded and aching, we turn to Him and Him alone for our rescue" (Eldredge 97). God works in a gentle and mysterious way by disrupting our plans. He brings hardship to whatever it is that we have sought life apart from Him. (Eldredge 98). That right there is why something that at once felt so perfect and unbreakable can feel shattered and beyond repair sometime later. 
     We should not fail to recognize that it is during times of hardship that God is most present. As soon as we allow ourselves to really know this and believe it, our lives become so much simpler and worry free. We start to realize that when God breaks us, it is only because He's trying to reform us and build us even stronger. 

A Daily Gift

     I left my dorm building earlier this week and knew my day was off to a good start from the moment I stepped outside. It was an absolutely gorgeous day. It may sound like I'm describing a scene straight out of Snow White, but the sun was shining, a few white clouds were passing through the sky, and there was a subtle breeze. I felt like I was in a movie - walking to class listening to my cheerful music while my hair swayed to the wind. I know, it's so cheesy. But, you all know exactly what kind of day I'm talking about. It was one of those mornings that just makes you stop and revel in the beauty of it. 

     On my way back from class, I passed by the library to find a pink banner hanging from the balcony. It read, "Will you be my valentine?" I immediately snapped a picture and thought, "This is the sweetest thing." Imagine, you are walking around campus on a beautiful day thinking it couldn't possibly be any prettier until you look up and see that someone has put a banner up for you? Whatever person received that message must have felt that their "secret admirer" was not only giving them the gift of a lovely message, but of a marvelous day as well.

     While reflecting on how happy the recipient must have felt, I realized the silliness of my thoughts. I shouldn't be speculating on how happy this person felt, I should be acknowledging the fact that I've been receiving an even greater gift on a daily basis. That wonderful day I've been describing, God made that for me! Stop whatever you're doing right now and think about the most amazing sight of creation you've ever seen. Now remind yourself of the fact that all of that was made by God as an act of love for you, for me, for all of humanity. 

     It is apparent that whoever put the effort forth to make and hang the banner up feels a lot of love toward his/her valentine. Can you imagine how much love God feels toward us if He made all of creation as our gift? I cannot even begin to wrap my mind around that. Although I have trouble fathoming the extent of this love, I will admit that it makes me feel pretty great. Sure, no guy made and hung up a valentine's day banner for me. But, someone created the entire universe for me... and with that, I'm one happy girl!

Beautiful Quotes

Reflections on "Captivating" #2

     In last week's reflection, I focused on the characteristics of a woman's heart as described in Captivating. While reading these, I thought they were great. But, I also thought to myself, "What a perfect and incredibly non-realistic world." In our lives, we are lucky if we are able to fully express even just one of those desires. Why is this? Why are we hesitant to showcase our femininity and everything that comes with it? The answer to this million dollar question is the first sin, the fall of humanity as a result of the actions of Adam and Eve. 
     I know, it sounds ridiculous. You may be thinking to yourself, "That's such a cliché answer." But, it's true. You see, when Adam and Eve first sinned, they turned against their very nature. They went against the way God made them to be. A woman is graced with a sense of vulnerability. Yet, in the first sin, this vulnerability was taken advantage of. Eve was tricked! Satan used her vulnerable and innocent heart as a way to coerce her to fall into temptation. Men are granted a special type of strength, separate from that of a woman, that involves being a protector. But again, Adam went against his nature as a protector and failed to protect his beloved Eve from the wicked serpent. 
     As a result, we (the descendants of Adam and Eve), have been cursed with a flawed idea concerning the roles of a man or woman. Men suffer a loss of their strength - they either become a passive and weak man whose strength is ultimately surrendered, or a violent man whose strength is unglued (Eldredge 51). Women suffer a loss but in a very different sense. We lose our vulnerability. We become controlling, needy, and sometimes even dominating. 
     In an attempt to make up for this loss of vulnerability, we fill our lives with activities and commitments that allow us to keep up our independent persona. Instead of being open to love with a perfectly vulnerable heart, we lose ourselves to other things... things that do not come with a risk of heartbreak. In fact, "much of what we call our 'personalities' is actually the mosaic" of these other activities, activities that allow us to hide our vulnerable hearts (Eldredge 76). 
     I'm not saying that you need to stop partaking in all of the hobbies or jobs you love. What I am saying however is that we need to do a serious "spring cleaning" of our schedules and look at what is really bringing us genuine happiness and what is just serving as a distraction. Any activity that is worth your while will honor God, bring good to others, and allow you to proudly express all three characteristics of your femininity. 
     This reflection may seem depressing in a sense, but stay tuned! Recognizing the wound we live with (as a result of the first sin) is essential in order to understand how to work around it for our own happiness and the glory of God. Trust me, once you realize the extent of what you're working against, it's much easier to come up with a successful game plan to tackle it.