The past month, I have been repeatedly reminded of just how much I need God. For whatever reason, the weeks of February felt long and painful. It seemed like bad news was always looming overhead and just as things would start to let up, I'd be slapped with it once more. During moments like this, I desperately longed for consolation. But, I'm way too stubborn to ever admit the fact that I need a hug and a shoulder to literally cry on. Don't even get me started on the crying... so not my favorite.
Well of course, my inability to be honest with my feelings left me to sit alone with them. Obviously, the best thing to do would have been to take it to prayer. I should have thrown myself into the arms of God and allowed Him to console me. But, there I went again... stubborn and unwilling. "I'm not that hurt. I'm okay. Today has just been stressful. I don't need anyone to help me." I'm sure what comes next is no surprise. Eventually, I fell. "Why aren't things getting any better? Why doesn't my family realize I'm hurting? Why don't my friends do anything about it?" Once you reach this point, it's easy to become frustrated with the people around you... as if they carry any of the blame for your current distress.
The truth of the matter is, none of the people around us have the ability to console and heal us. Don't get me wrong, having a friend lend his/her shoulder to cry on is absolutely wonderful and totally necessary sometimes. In fact, we are called to be that shoulder for our brothers and sisters as a way of exemplifying God's love. But, this is only a temporary fix. The struggles that we carry, the failures we cling to, and the pain of our situation can only be healed by God. This requires extreme levels of surrender - a total feeling of lost control. And that, my friends, is scary. Even worse, it can appear lonely at first. We have to acknowledge that other human beings cannot and will not make our situation better. If we focus on that, it seems as if we have nothing left... and that feeling of loneliness is sometimes too great to bear. Take heart! In that loneliness, God calls. Audrey Assad says it best, "In the silence of the heart, you speak."
I've reached the point where I need to be silent. I've raised my white flag and cried all over it. It's time to be silent, let go, and let God do His thing.
"You Speak" - Audrey Assad
