Donde Estas

     In my last post, I wrote about my realization of how desperately I needed God. I raised my white flag in hopes that God would come running at me like a warrior, ready to defeat all of my life's problems. Well, I'm very unhappy to report that I feel like I've been sitting on the ground waving my white flag to an empty room. In fact, it's become less of a wave - my arm is barely holding the thing up.

     I will say, I've received some consolation in the fact that some of our church's greatest saints also went through these periods of isolation. Mother Teresa actually wrote letters to some of her church superiors throughout the last 50 years of her life explaining this struggle. She even went so far as to admit that it was difficult for her to feel any bit of God's existence in her heart, or in the Eucharist. 

"I call, I cling, I want - and there is no One to answer - no One on Whom I can cling - no, No one. Alone... Where is my Faith - even deep down right in there is nothing, but emptiness and darkness. My God - how painful is this unknown pain - I have no Faith. I dare not utter the words and thoughts that crowd in my heart and make me suffer untold agony."

     How I wish I could have a hang out day with Mother Teresa. Girl, I feel you! The problem with these moments of solitude aren't the moments themselves - but the idea that we can't share them with anyone. Real talk, if it wasn't for this blog I probably wouldn't be either. I don't have all the answers. I'm out of ideas on how to remedy this situation. Quite frankly, I don't think this post will necessarily help me on my quest to feel God's presence. But, my hope is that someone with a similar struggle would stumble across this and realize that they're not alone.

     All I've been able to muster up as a prayer recently is "Help me become more aware of your presence." But hey, eight words are better than none, right?