I Am Not Content.

     We're just gonna cut all the fluffy and get down to the real stuff. I don't know if this is a normal thing most 20-somethings go through in their college years, but I am beginning to become very aware of my weaknesses. When I say very aware, I totally mean it. I can pinpoint every time throughout the day where I behave in a way that is less than pleasant, or think a thought that is definitely not holy, or whine like a pouty child. Even worse, I remember each of these moments every single night before I fall asleep. Those have become my routine late night thoughts... "How many times have I screwed up today?"

     Quite frankly, lately it feels like... A LOT! Here's the catch. In addition to the laundry list of weaknesses I have, a predominant one sits at the top in giant letters - "FEAR OF FAILURE." I am terrified of failing, in absolutely any shape or form. So of course, when I think about all the times I have exhibited weakness throughout the day, an overwhelming sense of failure just looms over me. It just hangs there, blocking off any feelings of positivity or affirmation I could possibly conjure up.

     I've always had feelings of not quite measuring up, but I couldn't pinpoint what it was in actual words. A friend of mine - thank God for her - was actually the one who noticed and pointed it out to me over the summer. Knowing what it is puts me slightly at ease, but doesn't take it away. I almost feel like now that I know exactly what this fear is, I see opportunities for failure everywhere. 

     I know some of you are reading this and are either thinking I'm totally making this up, or exaggerating beyond measure. I promise you this is completely legit. But, it's kind of like the junk drawer of my life - the place where I'm messy and don't want anyone to see. Let's open up an incredibly embarrassing example. 

     I'm staying at home this evening (as opposed to on campus) in order to help my little brother study for a big theology exam he has tomorrow. We spent the majority of the afternoon going over his ridiculously long study guide. Now this was some heavy stuff. I'll tell you, for a freshman in high school, they're loading the philosophy pretty hard. Anyway, after studying for about an hour or so, I reached a point where I couldn't anymore. My back hurt, my brain hurt, and I was just not about it anymore. He started to ask me questions and all I could answer with was, "I don't know." Now you see, I took an entire night away from my routine to come here and help him... so "I don't know" wasn't going to cut it. So, I proceeded to frantically flip through his textbook trying to find perfectly worded answers for every question he had. "I will not fail him," I thought... as if I was solely responsible for my brother's performance on this exam. This of course, led us into another 2+ hours of studying. I should probably mention, I had an accounting assignment due at midnight that I hadn't started. Also, accounting and I don't get along so well. Naturally, what ended up happening was Danny and I staying up until 10:45 studying. He went to bed, still racked with unanswered questions and I had an hour to complete an untouched accounting assignment. "I will not fail," I thought to myself. Everyone in the house went to bed, and I sat at the kitchen table with papers sprawled all over trying to complete this assignment. I spent 45 minutes (out of my single hour) working three problems that I ended up getting completely wrong. Not even partially right, just little red x's everywhere. "I will not fail," I whispered to myself. So, there I go again trying to at least complete one problem correctly before my time runs out. I fill out all the little blanks (you wouldn't believe how many there are in one problem), and right as I'm pressing "submit," the internet goes out. Ha! That's right, 45 minutes of wrong work, and some extra only to end with a little sad face on my browser saying "Oops! Lost internet connection!" "I failed," I whispered after banging my hands on the kitchen table (which contradicts the point of whispering because I'm sure I woke someone up with the banging anyway). So I sat there and stared at my empty living room as the balls of stress - commonly known as tears - rolled down my cheeks. I failed Danny. I failed accounting homework. But, I was too busy crying to figure out what else I had failed at today. 

     Now that you have an incredibly detailed picture into the junk drawer of my life, think about your own. Do you have moments like this? Well, hopefully not exactly like this. But do you have a weakness that you feel dominates your life? I can almost guarantee you're not about to write a blog post on it for hundreds of people to read. It's against human nature! We're not supposed to want to share our weaknesses, it makes us so vulnerable! I almost wish there was a word stronger than that because even vulnerable doesn't begin to explain it.

     Now here's a real plot twist! Scripture encourages us to not only "gladly boast in [our] weaknesses," but "for the sake of Christ, be content with them!" (2 Cor 12:9-10). Umm, I don't think so. Fine, I guess I can find the courage somewhere to write a blog about it... maybe we can stretch that to qualify as boasting, let's completely throw out the "gladly" part. But heck no, I am not about to be content with it.

     You know what? I'm not content with it. I will never be content with it. But, I will be content with God working through it. Somehow, someway, the one who made me and knows me better than I know myself will find some way to clean out my junk drawer. Or maybe not... but He wont fail me. My junk drawer doesn't define my worth, my salvation, or His love for me. That, my friends, is something to be content with.